We had an Australian Shepherd growing up. She was a smart, funny dog, who was fierce as hell when she wanted to be... and she was fast: she would sprint into the woods after a squirrel, and come back with a giant-ass doggie grin on her face and blood on her jaws and she was clearly thinking: Holy shit, that was awesome!
On a Sunday morning in the mid-80's, I was asleep, teenage style. Meaning: I wasn't waking up for anything. Apparently I required between 23 and 24 hours of sleep per day. The dog, as always, was sleeping with me, on my bed.
The dog was sick. I don't know if it was too much squirrel, canine IBS, or what... but apparently she had some kind of terrible bowel upset. Now: with all my heart, I firmly believe that she did what she always did when she had to go out... came over to me and tried to wake me up. I'm not sure of this because I didn't wake up. I believe with all my heart that my dog tried to wake me up for as long as possible... until the very last second... and it was that honorable tenacity that caused her to lose it, in a flood of doggie diarrhea, right next to my head.
Directly onto my pillow.
She felt better.
I rolled over.
Face first, full on, into a puddle of dog shit. And still I didn't wake up. No. I started dreaming. And all I remember about the dream is that it smelled like dog shit. Smelled strongly. Smelled really strongly because had I inhaled through my nose.
The operative word here is "aspirate."
I finally woke up. With dog shit leaking down the back of my nasal passages, I flew out of bed, ran for the shower and screamed something like:
AAAAAEEEEUUUGGHGHGHGHGHGIIIAAAAHHHH!
End of story.
Now you know the grossest thing ever to happen to me. If you still love me, we're pretty much good to go from here on out. I feel so much better. It's like a 5th step of Ick.
Love to all. Even you, the folks who, after reading this, don't love me anymore.
13 comments:
Eww. That ranks right up there with some of the grossest things I've ever heard of... it's a yucky idea.
Poor puppy.
If there was ever a grossness competition, you would be a worthy adversary...but it would be a photo finish in the end. Four kids...I have stories that could make your blood run cold.
Ganerist - if only it was just an "idea." :)
Emily - Three kids here. Grossness abounds. But nothing compares, man.
Good grief - that was gross. Hilarious, but gross. Heh! :)
I am crying here! I know it must have been traumatic for you, but that is the funniest thing I have ever read! LOL
Holy shit! I mean, pardon the pun, but...holy shit!!!
That's worse than my stepping out of bed onto the dead mouse that my cat kindly left for me. OOOH so much worse...
I still wuv you, just will probably always smell dog shit whilst around you for any length of time...
Exactly! By sharing, perhaps I can ease the ickiness of others.
Oh, ewwwww! I'm going to have to think about that still-loving-you thing, because...ewwwww! And this from a woman into whose open mouth her baby once puked. (And off the topic...isn't it terrifying how many parents can tell that exact story?)
Man that's terrible, really terrible...
Oh, that's AWFUL! Wow.
I'm glad you feel better for sharing. And, just for the record, we're all good. I'll still be your friend.
Somtimes, shit happens.
Okay, that was SO lame. I hope you'll still like me even for my lame play on overused phrases.
When my daughter was young and there were no such things as disposable, elastic legged diapers, my daughter and I were sitting on the couch. It was hot, so I didn't have the rubber pants on her because of heat rash. I had one hand under her ass and one hand holding her belly...My nose itched. You got it. Pulled my hand from under her ass and filled my nose with shit. That wasn't enough. I ran to the bathroom to puke, baby still in my arms and proceeded to puke on the poor kid's head. Don't you just love poop stories.
thats freakin gross
i don't feel good
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