The job, part II: fear of failure.

Such a weird conversation.

The folks who want to hire me asked me to fly to Boston to meet with senior management. I said that it didn't make sense for me to meet with those people until we agreed on some baseline items like salary, employment contracts, bonuses, non-solicits, etc.

So we went over those today. He didn't seem too pleased with my salary. He said "that's high, but considering the size of the office, it's not unreasonable." I said, "I understand, but this truly isn't negotiable. I understand if it's a dealbreaker, but I'm not trying to start high so we can haggle."

After we talked a while longer, my old boss suddenly says: "Well, a few internal candidates have crawled out of the woodwork. And our recruiters are trying to source some people, so we'll see."

And then, holy shit, I said: "Boss, if you have people who are competing with me for the job, hire one of them. I have no interest in working for you unless you think, hands down, that I'm the best possible person for the job. If you consider it a choice, go with the other candidate. Just as much as you want me to buy into your corporate culture, you have to buy into me. Great speaking with you, amigo."

Then I got off the phone.

I felt SO relieved after that conversation. And I realized why: I DON'T WANT THE JOB.

I think I'm so afraid of failure, of screwing up my own business, that I MUST consider any opportunity to bail, and that any opportunity will be my last opportunity. It's sad, in a way. In some ways, I'm the most confident dude on the planet. But my fear of failure can be so strong that I'm ready to bail on my own shop, simply because of chinks in my self esteem.

But you know what? My company is tracking at 50% over last year, which was 60% over the year before, which was 100% of the year before. Even if it DOES close, I've done a solid job so far. (Even writing THAT makes me cringe.)

So onward and upward, baby.

Love to all. Even you, the Earth Mother lady with the crazy hair.