Tap. Tap-tap. Or: Adderall denoument.

Is this thing on?

Holy SHIT, has this been a weird week. I'd say I'm at, oh, 85% of my normal energy level... and that is one hell of an improvement. I haven't been exercising, though... so today I HAVE to change that. Either through a light 5-mile treadmill run, weights, or both. Hopefully both.

I'm disappointed in my pharmacologist. She's nice. I like her. But she clearly doesn't understand the ins and outs of what she is prescribing. I appreciate that she called the drug manufacturer to ask some questions, and that she got in touch with a colleague to ask him specific questions about amphetamines... but perhaps those should be before-the-fact questions... research questions... prior to prescribing stuff. I don't know.

A few words about alcoholism:

Back when I was hiding bottles and drinking 10-18 drinks per day, I would be waiting... waiting desperately, for the hour to come when the first drink would hit my lips. That first feeling, which I can only describe as "Cascade," when the alcohol started washing over my brain... well... that was what my life was about.

Having Adderall move from a day-to-day medication to a useless medication, to a "waiting to see if it's going work" medication... the thought processes are too much like how I felt about alcohol.

When I quit drinking in Alcoholics Anonymous, the urge to drink was removed. I had tried for years to quit prior, but it didn't work (other than my seven years of AA sobriety in the 90's). Having the impulse, obsession, and compulsions lifted was a common AA miracle, but a miracle nonetheless.

I will NOT engage these thought processes again in order to be less scatterbrained and distractable. Fuck that.

I'm glad to be back. Weird to say, but true.

Love to all. Even you, the lady with the facelift who should damn well know better.