Those drums sure sound funny.

So, I have this electronic drum kit I play at night, when the kids go to sleep. It's full-size, and you can hit it full force. Nothing I would ever play on stage, but it's a way to keep myself playing, even in parenthood.

I just tried to record a little, but I hit the wrong switch. So instead of hearing the actual DRUMS, all you hear is the clickety-clack of the triggers.

Strangely, it doesn't sound half bad.

Shimmer.

7am.

My daughter is next to me, gently radiating a soft and wonderful light. She's lying on her side, favorite blanket on top of her, and she's positioned her feet so they are flush against my leg.

At this moment, my life is perfect.

Sleep.

Sometimes, all I want is 7-9 consecutive hours of uninterrupted sleep. Is that so bad?

It pays to be straightforward.

"Just fire her," I was advised by several. "Just ASK her," I was advised by two.

So I just asked her.

She's covering her bases, in case of a slowdown. She knows that sales are off a bit, and that we her job would be the first to go. So she checked out what her teaching options were. She says this was the first ad of this kind to which she responded. And you know what, I believe her. And if that screws me down the road, so be it.

What did come of this what that she might not want the job that's available for her. We're going to discuss further. But that's a whole different, and wholly more adult way of doing things.

Third time firing someone in 12 years.

I consider myself to be a really good boss. If folks are trying to do right by my company, I try to do right by them. Loyalty matters to me greatly, and loyalty is a two-way street.

So my most long-term employee is getting married in June. She's asked for a lot of days off. I've given her all of them. Last week she told me she had a chance to go on her honeymoon for two weeks instead of one. I asked: do you have any plans on leaving the company anytime soon? She said "Not at all." I said "In that case, we'll pay you an extra week's vacation. You only get married once."

Now, I've had some problems with her. Not personally, but in that she hasn't been able to do the job I originally hired her to do. She just didn't have the skills, by her own admission. Nor did she have much of an interest in acquiring them (some of the deficiency was a lack of industry knowledge). Thus, her position has been morphing into more of an office manager/account exec role, and the goal was to get her more towards pure account exec over time..

Now, because she couldn't do the original job, I just hired a third person. (Our company has many people outside, very few inside). I moved our office to a moderately bigger space. Bought new computers. Monitors. All kinds of financial commitments based on the first employee's commitment to staying with me. I've had no complaints from her about her job whatsoever.

Last night, we had a technical problem. Emails got caught in a loopback, and were being delivered over and over and over and over. In checking mail accounts to see which were being affected, I found that my employee had forwarded herself (dozens of times) an email wherein she stated that she had nearly finished her certification training, and was hoping to leave the "Creative Agency" where she was now, and become a teacher in the fall.

Which would have been fine, had she told me before I committed thousands of dollars to an office move, new equipment for her, etc.

So, this morning, I'm firing her. I HATE doing this. I HATE it. But my company is NOT a charity.

Parenting: Ego and the selfish bastard.

The thing I have to practice every day is replacing the words "In one minute" with "Sure!" I tend to put off my kids a little bit, while I should be responding to them immediately. At least some of the time. I need to remember that they won't always be asking me to do stuff, and I'm going to miss it.

Love to all.

Database goggles.

When I work on the database at work, I use the folowing tools:

1) iTunes, playing the same song over and over again.
2) FileMaker Pro
3) Database Goggles

My database goggles are yellow. And they're the final component in battling whatever ADD / hypomanic focusing deficits I have. They are very helpful.

Reclamation.

It's nighttime.

So many things have been semi-restored today. Carter isn't dying yet. "This isn't a dying dog I'm looking at," said the vet. He's got something wrong with his tummy (aside from the liver cancer), but he's alert, and pretty darn happy.

A lady who said something inaccurate to my insurance company (after that little fender bender) actually called and changed her story to the truth, after I left a friendly (really!) message on her machine about how there was a misunderstanding, and how nice it was that we went to the same church (at my priest's suggestion).

I had some chances to speak in anger, and didn't take them.

I got a lot done at work today..

I'm going to have some ice cream, and go to bed. I have to wake up in six hours.

Oh, shit.

Carter just threw up blood. Twice.

He seems okay, now. We're bringing him to the vet tomorrow. If he starts decompensating, we're going to put him down. He doesn't SEEM that bad. But do we want to wait until it IS that bad?

Do clones have souls?

I'd appreciate some comments on this. If this is to heady or religious or whatever, feel free to read the poop report below.

Thank you.

The worst poop of all time.

1 second: preparation.
10 seconds: poop in progress.
20 seconds: kids start screaming from downstairs (they're in the bath).
25 seconds: I run down stairs superfast. (There's nothing wrong.)
35 seconds: I'm back up stairs.
38 seconds: poop in progress.
38 seconds: the phone rings. I get up to get it because Maggie is out with one of the kids.
46 seconds: someone calling about an old babysitter ad. I try to say it's filled.
56 seconds: sit down. poop in progress.
1 minute, 10 seconds: phone rings. I get up to get it because Maggie is out with one of the kids.
1, minute 25 seconds: it's the same person, calling me back to ask for babysitting recommendations.
1 minute, 35 seconds: I grab my computer on the way back to the bathroom.
1 minute, 45 seconds: poop in progress.
2 minutes: this update in progress, while pooping.
2 minutes, 10 seconds: my daughter comes out of the bath and starts coming up the stairs, I yell "Privacy! Privacy!" She yells "BUT DAD!" I respond "NO! PRIVACY!"
3 minutes, 10 seconds: this update is finished.
3 minutes, 15 seconds: FLUSH.

Not the most polite thing to wish upon someone.

Either my brother-in-law has Asperger Syndrome, or he's an asshole.

Thus, I'm really hoping he has Asberger. It's such a strange and nearly mean thing to say, but read the description and you'll understand why I'm saying this.

I might write more about this tomorrow. But I wanted to say this right now. I think he's ill. And if he's not, he's a selfish, cheap, disrespectful, clueless, self-entitled... oh, Lord. I need to pray more.

Either way, it makes him someone diffcult to be around.

AssJack.

That's me.

You know, if you (being me) act the same way for, oh, 36 years, and then don't ALWAYS act that way for like 6 months, it's probably not rational to expect your wife to instantly have faith in your actions.

Ah, Maggie. Why do you put up with me?

Bickersville, NY

Welcome to Bickersville!

It's a special place where YOU will think you're wife is jumping to conclusions, reacting to attitudes you don't have, and pre-emptively telling you to "calm down," while SHE will think you're on edge, spoiling for conflict, and worried about things before they might even happen!

Come set a spell!

Master of my domain. (Thanks, Jerry!)

I’m giving up any sort of auto-erotica for the next month. 90 days, if it seems to be helpful. I decided to do this because I want to spend all of my non-spousal sexual energy on righting my attitudes and sharpening my focus. My mentor-dude suggested it to me, too. No worries friends, I won’t update on this daily, but probably weekly.

I think the last time I did this would be, um, before I hit puberty.

As an aside: This week, my blog attracted visitors who searched for “Gay Gorilla, Catholics and Birth Control, isight baby monitor, hypomania, aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah, 24 and season one and finale and spoiler, prolific pl 3507, catholics pro birth control, isight as baby monitor, discpline for kids, and are trolls real?"

Man. That's just weird. Okay: off to the world of the non-masturbatory.

LIES!!! Lies?

There are two Why’s here.

1) Why do people lie?
2) Why am I surprised that people lie?

I mentioned that I got into a minor fender-bender the morning Maggie was leaving for the airport. Here’s how it went down: I pulled out of a parallel parking space at approximately the same time that someone made a left turn (from a side street) onto the same place I was pulling out. We hit.

I didn’t know who’s fault it was. At first I thought she was coming down the main road, and I just missed her. (That would be pretty unusual for me, honestly. I’m fairly alert.) But then it turned out she had made a left turn.

To make a long story medium, she lied to her insurance company. She told them she was traveling down the MAIN road for two or three MINUTES. And that I pulled out and hit her. This contradicts the police report, and the actual EVENTS. WTF?

To top it off, it turns out this lady gives Communion at my church, and I know her husband from the train station.

Why did she lie? Why am I surprised that she lied?

Fuckity fuck fuck fuck.

See, I'm not afraid to curse on my blog.

Shit.

WTF? Mild to moderate discontent.

I'm irritable. Not quite cranky. But discontent and nervous.

I'm worried about work. Sales at my office have dropped from $17k/week down to so about 11. We've got 12 new possible positions ready to roll, so that could change things in a hurry.

I feel like I'm not doing enough at work, although I'm doing a LOT at work. I feel like I can't accomplish enough, do enough, be enough. Ugh.

Hour 84: Maggie returns.

Maggie's home. The kids and I were very excited to see her.

Weirdly, we just got into an argument. My oldest and I were watching survivor, and Maggie came in when we were chattering about this insanely long immunity challenge. At the commercal, Maggie picked up the control and started turning off the sound. I got pissed. I know why, too. This was a flashback to something we used to argue about all the time. Whenever we watched TV together, for like, years, Maggie would turn down the volume every time a commercial came on, regardless of whether I was watching it or not. It just drove me crazy that she never asked.

Hm. Instead of the happy little reunion, we had a flashback to Silly Arguments Circa 1997.

Ugh. I'm going to go apologize.

Hour 82: A dented plane.

Maggie should have been home by now, but her plane was dented. That's correct. "Dented." Northwest had to replace her plane with another one. It landed at 6:15-ish, so she should be back soon.

I've had a real blast with these kids. I think that, in just a few days, I learned a bit about intercepting my own responses, to take kinder action instead of being so damn snippy.

Time to get them out of the bath.

Hour 75. Holy SHIT.

Now I know why Maggie never updates her blog. Running this household is like running a small business, only MORE so. There's never enough time to catch up on anything. I'm off to drop my daughter at a birthday party, then it's a soccer game for the oldest.

Tonight, Maggie comes home. I have a whole new respect for her. Not that I didn't respect her before, but now I understand the lack of concrete accomplishment, of *finish*, that often makes her a tad depressed.

Hour 31: Right-sized.

I was on the phone with my mentor/friend. I was kind of bragging that I've kept it all together for a whole day. The dishes are done, laundry is in progress. Everyone's been picked up and delivered where they need to be.

He said: "yeah, Rich. I can't do that for two days, two. Do it for two years, and THEN talk to me."

Right, right.

Hour 22: Clarity, SpeedyKid, House of Rainbows.

This is one of those mornings where I am just SO happy to have given up drinking. I mean, it's always the right decision for me, but this morning it's PARTICULARLY great. I'm on about five hours sleep, since Carter needed to go out at 5am and I didn't go to bed until after midnight. Clarity rocks. Usually.

(Pause to get "jam or jelly or any of that type of thing" for my oldest.)

My oldest is on FIRE. He's in constant motion, jumping back and forth as he talks, spilling my coffee, arguing with his sister, being joyous and, being well, fully eight years old.

My daughter made a paper house, and is coloring it with multiple rainbows. She came into my room this morning at 6am. She asked me why I was sleeping on Maggie's side of the bed. I said "because I miss your Mom." She liked this answer a lot. She came into bed with me for a few minutes, and I scratched her head and gloried in the highlights in her hair.

Hour 14: Insomnia, Ickiness.

Note to self: NO MORE CHINESE FOOD.

My oldest couldn't sleep, and came in to talk about 40 minutes ago. I was half asleep, but now I'm wide awake.

Sigh.

Hour 11: Playdate Undone, Timewarp.

"Put the accordion DOWN."

Man. The things we say as parents. After the third time my two youngest got out of bed to ask me, jokingly, "Is it time for breakfast yet?"... I started to get kind of mad. I told them to get back in bed, please, and when my youngest picked up a little plastic musical instrument and started tooting it back and forth, I uttered the brilliant sentence above.

Moving back in time a little...

So I managed to get to the bus stop in time. My oldest boy asked me for an offsite playdate, my daughter for an onsite. All the kids and parents were at the bus stop, so I talked to both. Deals were made. My oldest went off with his friend and friend's mom, I took my daughter home, to meet up with her friend a few moments later.

Neat.

Then, my oldest got sick, and I had to cancel both playdates and bring him home. He crashed immediately. Then, my daughter decided she hated everything I could possibly offer for dinner. Then, my youngest got mad and told me that I couldn't come to his birthday party.

Then, everything turned fine again. My youngest two took a bath, we played games, and I put them to bed. My oldest woke up. He thought he had slept through the night, and was wondering why the other kids were still in bed. He's sitting across from me, doing homework. In half an hour, we're going to watch a little jurassic park. All is well in the world.

I talked to Maggie: she sounds like she's really enjoying the time off. Room service is her best friend right now.

Hour 6: Broccoli, Coal Tar, Hose Battle 2k5

The accident report is finito. It's up to the insurance folks, now.

Picked up my youngest and took him to the local pizza place. He's been talking about the one time we went their together (alone)... so I thought this was a good time to do it again. We were there 10 minutes... enough time for the boy to eat the cheese off of half a slice of pizza, and he say "Okay! Let's go home now!"

While he played in the sandbox, I started planting vegetables. Note to self: do NOT apply coal tar crap to your knees prior to planting veggies. Yuckity yuck yuck yuck.

An hour later, it was HOSE BATTLE 2005! My boy wanted to water the plants. He does this by spraying me with the hose while stomping the living shit out of our fine young broccoli.

:-)

Hour 1: Prescriptions, Car Accidents.

So, Maggie got an infection that required a prescription. Naturally, this was the morning she was supposed to fly to Minneapolis. I didn't have my cell phone, and hers died. So she tried calling her doctor from the pay phone. Four quarters later, she was out of change, and disconnected. Finally, we went to the pharmacy, used their phone. and waited to see if they would call in a prescription. They did. We picked up the prescription and went to the car. Time was beginning to feel a little tight. We drove off to the airport.

Wham.

When I was pulling out of my parking space, a woman made a left turn onto the same road. She was precisely perpendicular to me. I didn't see her, and we collided.

Here's the part where I turn into a jackass. At first, I thought I hit someone coming down the street. I thought it was totally my fault. So I got out of the car saying "oh, I'm so sorry, it's my fault." Then, when I was trying to figure out what happened, I said "You must have completed your turn, because of where I hit you." THEN I realized that I was standing in the wrong place, that the car was further back, and that it's quite possible it was either an entirely mutual hit, or that SHE HIT ME.

But naturally, she quoted what I said to the police, so that I would get all the blame.

I'm been on my own for an hour. I'm not doing such a good job. Let's hope things improve.

- R

p.s. This all took place AFTER we got all the kids off to school. Thank goodness.

First Run.

Oh, baby.

I just ran my first 5 miles since I started since getting over my latest bout with bronchitis. I feel SO FUCKING GREAT.

Whoa. Sorry.

Anyway... Maggie leaves tomorrow, so I'm SuperSoloDad for the next 96 hours. Just me and the kids. I'm psyched.

Gay rights and Gay marriage. A recap.

Why am I so gung-ho on gay rights, gay marriage, etc?

Because it's the one issue about which there aren't two valid sides. If you have a problem with gay people, you are WRONG. Period. You want to talk abortion, I'll discuss it with you. I'm pro-choice, but I can really get where you're coming from. You want to talk drugs? I don't use ANY, but I'm pro-legalization of several.

Most things have two sides.

But this constant use of the "gay issue" to divert attention from relevant problems just makes me sick, sick, sick. And, as I've said previously, this new movement to ban gays from adopting children is, literally, child abuse. Preventing children from having loving families is criminal.

It's no wonder that multiple high-profile cases of anti-gay politicians actually being gay, or even worse, totally maludjested because of self-loathing that they did terrible things instead of just DATING GUYS.

Sheesh.

96 hours with the kids.

Maggie is going to visit college friends on Thursday. She'll be gone for four whole days! Yikes!

Now, I've gone away on business before... and Maggie has gone away with the kids, but she's never gone away WITHOUT the kids. I'm taking Thursday and Friday and working from home... yikes!

I'm actually looking forward to it a lot. I love my kids intensely and sometimes I feel that the train-work-train-eat-sleep cycle is causing a little distance between us. I guess that's the nature of Fatherhood, but I'm psyched for some quantity time.

Aaaaaaaaaaah!

aaaaah!
aaaaaah!
aaaaaaah!
aaaaaaaah!
aaaaaaaaah!
aaaaaaaaaah!
aaaaaaaaaaah!
aaaaaaaaaaaah!
aaaaaaaaaaaaah!


Sometimes, I just want to scream. So I did.

Dad, can we listen to Led Zeppelin?

Seriously. My 8 year old just asked me this. I said yes. Now we're playing ping-pong and listening to Black Dog.

I figured Zeppelin IV was a good place to start hiim off, since he doesn't know specific albums.

Whoa.

Happy, um, Mother's Day?

We have a tradition of making breakfast in bed for Mother's/Father's day. My children have a tradition of eating that breakfast (and often fighting over it) before the Mother/Father in question has a nary a bite.

This year, I'm going to bring TWO plates upstairs. One for Maggie, one for the kids. Lets see how THAT works out.

I just took my wife and Mother-in-Law out to dinner, which was very pleasant. I thanked my Mother-in-Law for doing a solid job with Maggie... because, well, my wife rocks. Hard.

I realized today that I sometimes don't think about my parents for a couple of days at a time. I realized this because WAS thinking about them, because another Mother's day is coming where I won't see them. Since the last incident with my father (where we had to call the cops), I haven't spoken with them at all. I think that we're coming up on two years. I don't really know. It was too crazy and traumatic for me to really track dates. Ugh.

Sad, because I love my parents. And the fact that I don't think about them every day anymore is both depressing and a relief. I don't think my Dad will ever come around. He didn't speak to his mother for around 14 years, nor to his brother for the same-ish time period. So I have no reason to think he'll come around anytime soon.

Anyway: Happy Mother's Day, Mom. And Dad, too. You know what I mean.

Mac OS X Tiger - Apple has a drinking problem.

With Mac OS X 10.4, it seems that Apple dreamed big, and executed sans precision. The interface has become clunkier (especially for regular searches), inconsistent, and inconvenient. Trying to set up my Epson Photo 2200 was positively Windows-esque! I had to actually BYPASS the Epson choices to "other," then select alternative Epson... ugh, ugh. ugh.

10.4.1 was just seeded... let's hope it contains improvements. Big time.

Stairways and Cards

I had to carry Carter down the stairs today. Then he was up and about.

Now, I'm printing a Mother's Day card... it's a composite of all the kids trying the trapeze at Club Med. Cool.

That's what I get.

I leave my IM information on my company website. I get some weird and random people writing me sometimes. I also get some really awesome folks... But several times a year, I get something like the following...



Dudes. If you’re gonna IM someone, please introduce yourself. Someone's got to give ol' Winstonagard some etiquette lessons.

Sheesh.

So she asks me...

I'm on a gig for my second company, and in the course of talking about my recent trip to Club Med, I mention to the client that I'm a teetotaler... but that I'm in favor of OTHER people drinking, smoking pot, whatever... And she asks me: "Are you a recovering alcoholic?"

And I said: "um... no."

Screamer.

Why do I yell? Why do I get so damn frustrated with my kids that I raise my voice? I mean, it's not like I should be SUPRISED that they started arguing and yelling for me again, after I put them down for the night (after playing two of their favorite games (and after creating a long and heavily embedded run-on sentence)).

I wish I could just chill a little more. Then again, I'm SO much better than I used to be.

Hey, this PC doesn't completely suck!

I'm writing this from a new Dell 600m. After my eMachines experience of last year, I was hestitant to try ANY PC laptop EVER. But my multiple PowerBook fiascos have caused me to reconsider. And now, drum roll... here is my computing breakdown (not including other computers in the house for other family members).

I. Dual G5 2.3Ghz Tower
II. Dell 600m 1.5Ghz Laptop.
III. PB G4 12" 1.5Ghz Laptop.

I have a feeling I might morph into a PC laptop, Apple desktop kind of guy. Not sure, though. Combined with some other things in my life, I've had several friends ask me if I'm a Republican yet.

The answer is no. But then again, neither is our President.

Florida vs. 13 year old pregnant girl.

A Florida state court just blocked a pregnant 13-year-old girl from having an abortion because she "LACKS THE MATURITY TO MAKE SUCH A DECISION." Holy SHIT. So they are saying that she has the maturity to RAISE a child?

Oh my lord.

Now, I'm not saying that she should be required to terminate the pregnancy because she's too young. I AM saying that having a child at this point in her life would probably completely wreck her future. And I do wonder how the child's life will be.

Abortion is terrible. Of course. But unless the government will feed, house, and care for the mother and child for the duration of bot of their lives, the government needs to stay the fuck out of this kind of thing. It's a choice. And a terrifically hard one at that.

Shit.

Status: holding.

My bronchitis is easing. I love Zithromax. I wonder how long until all the bugs are resistant? Alas. It's inevitable. Just like the impending rise of SuperAids. Eventually, HIV is going to be totally resistant to nearly every drug available. See Malaria as an example of resistance.

I know, purists: malaria isn't viral, it's protozoan.

Anyway. Carter seems fine, still. Some symptoms that may or not be related to his impending downturn have cropped up, but he seems pretty happy.

I just found out that upper respiratory infections cause outbreaks of psoriasis. No wonder the magical Florida Sun effect suddenly reversed itself. SHIT. My elbows and knees look like I took sandpaper to them.

That is all. Sorry for being so random.

Texas lawmakers against children.

Texas is passing a law whose sole purpose is to harm children. They are making it illegal for same-sex couples to adopt foster kids. This takes the flawed and stupid anti-same-sex marriage logic and makes it much, much worse.

Banning same-sex marriage forces the couple to be an unmarried couple. Stupid and wrong, but the relationship between the two people continues.

Banning same-sex couples from adopting foster children forces the foster child to miss out on a fucking FAMILY.

What the fuck is the MATTER with Texas lawmakers? How can ANYONE support this?