My ex-Girlfriend.

So, I called my ex-girlfriend today.

Before anyone thinks "Rich, you fucker!" I think it's important to say: my wife knows. And approves.

You see, this spirtitual journey I'm on involves righting wrongs. Or, at the very least, making amends for harms I've done. There are other ex-girlfriends I'll never talk to again. In fact, I've been told that in most cases, the best way to make amends to an ex is to never, ever, speak to her again.

This case is different.

I dated her for three years. And I loved her tons.

She was a decade my senior, and she was damaged goods. Abused as a child, she had successfully recovered from a variety of addictive disorders. She had intense problems with certain personal and physical interactions. She was smart, beautiful, fierce, troubled, delicate, and pained.

As the child of a mentally ill parent, I was utterly boundaryless. I broke the walls of relationship confidence over and over and over again. When we fought, which was quite often, I would tell everyone. Everything. I would make sure my friends were on my side. I would make sure EVERYONE was on my side. I didn't have the self-confidence or self-understanding to exist inside this couplehood on my own, I had to have the perceived approval of everyone I knew. This was how I was raised: all or nothing. No in between. No gray areas.

She disliked my father. My father hated her. He wouldn't even say the name of a nearby city that had her name in it.

We broke up many, many times. Always, I would sleep with someone else almost immediately. Once it was within two hours.

It was only towards the end that I started to get a glimmer of what a real relationship should be like. It was way too late, and it probably would have never worked under any circumstances... our problems were much too negatively synergistic... but it was the three-year relationship with this woman that led me, eventually, to Maggie.

(And no, Maggie was not the woman I dated immediately after.)

So I want to tell my ex-girlfriend how much I understand the role I played in things. I want to tell her how I regret my behavior. I want to hear if I forgot anything else. If it's right to do so, I want to tell her how much she helped me for years and years af

I want to make amends for the harms I've done, if I can. Not only do I want to do it (although I'm very nervous), but it's required of me.

I left a message on her home machine. We'll see what happens.

Love to all. Even you, the woman who showed me what was wrong, and what was right.