Maggie and I have not been getting along that well. She's superstressed from starting her first job in ten years, and she's learning a lot on the fly. The babysitting thing hasn't been going that smoothly, and Maggie has made it abundantly clear that she doesn't want my help in fixing it. Nor my opinion on the subject.
It's frustrating. I've actually taken the time to plan my conversations with her in advance, so that I'd hopefully seem neither bossy or lecturing. My goal, in the last conversation, was to offer having the babysitter four days a week, instead of three, so that Maggie would both be covered for work even if the days switched around, and she'd have one day a week where the babysitter could do housework. Considering that, on net, it would still cost less than when we had a babysitter two days a week and Maggie had no job, I thought it was a good idea.
Maggie didn't agree. She wants a day with kids on her own. Which is fine, if she can work out the babysitting... but what bothered me more was that she was offended by my even having an opinion. She thought I was making a statement of incompetence about her coping skills.
I wasn't.
I think she realizes that, now... sort of. She apologized for the conversation... and I apologized for saying "screw you" and hanging up on her when she told me she wasn't interested in my opinion, and that I was saying she was incompetent.
Ugh. Bad communication, both ways.
Anyway, I realize that we're in a period of growth. Both of us. That we are adjusting to new schedules, ways of doing things, etc. But it kind of sucks.
Love to all. Even you, the guy who nearly flattened a woman trying to get on the 6 train at 8th street.
3 comments:
Maybe, just maybe, she's upset about the fact that some other woman is being paid to take care of her kids while she goes off to work, which she probably wants to do, but also does not want to leave her kids, especially if she's been home with them for a long time.
Because sometimes the extra money, or even just the feeling one gets from earning it, doesn't outweigh the guilt one feels about leaving her children with someone else. Sometimes, it's not worth it, or it doesn't feel worth it in the beginning. And it's horrible to see your husband go off to work every day just as he has from the beginning, and you think, you know? I should be able to handle the whole sitter situation, I mean I AM going off to work, it's not like I'm home dealing with the kids all day, I SHOULD be able to handle this and I don't want to see HIM, who goes off to work every day, figure out a way to make it EASIER for me.
Just a suggestion. Give her time. She'll find a way to work it out. She probably has to, for herself. You know what I mean?
So tricky, the situation you're in. First you find yourself having to qualify or prethink all of your statements - which helps to create distance which she probably picks up on - even though you're doing it to try and avoid a fight. Ugh. Then she is going through so much and the point about being upset another woman is taking care of your kids is a really good one. There's nothing you can do about that either.
She needs your support more than anything, that you're there to help in any way. But try to keep the conversations happening. Be careful of negative Relationship Momentum - letting the space, the tension, the negativity build up too much between you two. Try to be as positive as you can - even if that means venting every day to someone else or on your blog, just so you don't being too much negativity to the table with her.
We've all been through times like this and you guys will get through it sooner than later.
Aurelius: um, no. I would never attempt to smack down an Irishwoman. I'd get my ass kicked.
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