So, I'm playing Halo with my older son. He beats me. I say "Wow. You whipped my tushie!"
Two days later, Maggie tells me that he was really upset by my saying this. He talked to Maggie about it, saying: "If he says that to me when I win, is he thinking that when he wins?" He was actually crying about it.
I feel both bad and flabbergasted: I knew he had been frustrated at losing (in both ping pong and Halo) so I've backed off in both and made sure he beats me at least half the time. This takes more work in ping pong than in Halo, where he's quickly catching up to my slowly-atrophying video game skills.
I had no intention of hurting his feelings. It just never, ever occurred to me that he would reverse and mirror my sentence into thoughts about his performance when I win. It's just way beyond my preprocessing scope. Also, I was kidding. It was supposed to be joking praise.
Anyway... I'm not sure what I'm going to do with this, but it's just another reminder that kids are continuously affected by the words or their parents.
Love to all. Even you, Mr. Sneezy.
8 comments:
And what will he do when he get out into the world, you aren't there, and somebody whips his tushie with impunity and doesn't care?
Do you really think you are teaching him well by 'drawing back' when he loses, instead of teaching him to persevere and learn how to win?
Your sensitivity to your kids is to be commended. Your wisdom is far beyond many.
Words hurt more than weapons. Not many know this.
Man, I applaud you and this excellent post. Keep it going. As a father of four I understand being blown away by reactions many times.
Each time, I must reflect back on the situation and realize that my words or anyone else's words have power.
Dude, congrats for being a great Dad.
Eric
Bless his little heart. It's just amazing how the mind works, in both adults and children. This is certainly something to think about.
On one hand, it's just a game and of course we shouldn't be upset when we lose or hurtfully rub it in someones face when we win. It's something we deal with everyday (not just in video games).
On the other hand, I think competition is healthy. It keeps us working harder to do better and be better.
I do think the anonymous poster had a point. In the real world people don't care. Competition is out there and people don't care.
I also agree with the blogging boss. You seem to be a wonderful father and it's so beautiful that you aren't trying to break his spirit with hard-handed fathering.
Interesting points all around.
I think anonymous missed the point: I beat him often... and my son is super-competitive. (He plays goalie in AYSO, and it's seriously competitive. He also just started tennis, and got whomped 6-0 in his first match.)
The point here is that it matters to him what *I* think.
Smart kid to see that association.
Take Care
Michael
My nephew is now 2 and a half and seems to brush off falls and scrapes and hurts that would send me crying to the floor, but he'll cry over "nothing", that is, over things I have no idea about. What happened? Where's the boo boo? There's no boo boo. His hurt is an enigma too us, and it kills me that I cannot take away the pain I cannot understand.
The idea of sportsman like behavior has been on the decline in this country for some time now. Just watch any of the reality shows out there were people are willing to win at all costs and will stab their best friend in the back to do so.
By 'drawing back' you aren't hurting your son. If anything you're showing him that winning no matter what isn't a good thing.
Kids don't think like adults. You can never be sure how they might take a simple comment that you make.
Maybe you could sit him down and tell him you were really proud of him when he won the game. Also make sure that he knows that you don't think that you "whipped his tushie" or anything like that when you win.
Mulligan: excellent, excellent points. I'll certainly try to phrase things in the positive. Happily, I often tell him I'm proud of him... for winning, or just for trying his best.
Thanks for writing.
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