From this post, some well meaning folks gave me advice about my Father. It was very sweet of people to suggest I "just call" my Dad, but I don't think the folks who gave me that advice understand the picture.
My father is a sociopath.
I don't say this lightly. I love the guy. I believe that he's got a good heart, and if he isn't focused on you as the Evil One, then he's nice to be around. But if he turns on you, it's total, overwhelming, and can last for decades. And he never let's up. Shut him out (like we did, after we called the police on him)... but he's still out there seething. He anger does not subside.
An example.
A couple of years after we stopped talking, a relative of mine sent an email to a group of people saying that they'd arrived in their new home safely. My parents were one of the folks on the email list.
Knowing my father's psychology, I decided to take a chance and "accidentally" reply-to-all, with a little note to my relative saying how happy I was they arrived safely, and giving a little update on how the kids were. That way, if my father received the note and wanted to reply, he could. But if he didn't, he could just delete it, since it was clearly an "accident."
I sent the email.
Four minutes later I had an email back, threatening my wife and father-in-law with criminal prosecution (too crazy to explain in this post) if I ever emailed him again. Keep in mind, we hadn't spoken in years at this point.
Four minutes.
Four. Fucking. Minutes.
Love to all.
11 comments:
Yeah, this is definitely not a dad that you can "just call". I feel for ya, amigo. I haven't had this particular experience, but I know what its like to NEED to talk to someone, and for some reason or another, you just can't.
Have you ever noticed that shit seems to come in great big heaping piles, and not small manageable little plops? Why is that? I'd give you my standard "hang in there" response, but its too lame. So... well... aw screw it, hang in there. Have faith. Things will work out. You're a smart dude, and you'll get 'er done.
Parents: This is a subject I know alot about from my sobriety. I haven't spoken to my parents in several years, and it has been over 6 years since I saw my mother the last in 2001 for 20 mintues because of my "satanic" father.
I will never measure up since I left the United States and got married to a man! Go figure... Working my steps brought with it some truths, I had not known until I sat down and wrote my 4th.
It was a watershed event for me and my sponsor to say the least. That I had uncovered serious abuse from years of repression even surprised me, not to mention turned my sponsors stomach.
I have moved from anger and resentment to indifference and at times forgiveness and sometimes pity because I know today it was not my fault the way my parents turned out.
My parents are sick, they still drink and my father is a drunk so he suffers I know because of the war and his past and the skeleton he hides in his "closet."
I was just a kid in a bad and sad spot. So I drank and used for 3/4 of my life. UGH!!
Sometimes you gotta cut your losses and accept, there's that word "Acceptance" us alcoholics hate that word. But today 5 years into sobriety I can accept - understand and Detach and walk away. I walked away verbally and emotionally, even though they still are my parents. Who knows one day they may come around. Until then I live my life for me and my husband. And if that day comes, so be it, and if it doesn't, so be it.
My door is always open but I know better than to expect anything. That was a serious lesson for me at my age today.
Parents are who they are, we must accept that no matter how hard. That's why we go to meetings and we stay sober and we work our steps. One day at a time, alot of prayer and honest soul searching.
You have a wife and children, you focus your love and life into them and yourself. Be selfish with your program because this is a selfish program we know!
I can't just call my dad either because he is evil and hateful and spiteful and with one sentance can rip my heart out with a spoon.
I CHOOSE NOT to engage him or my mother any longer - it has been many years. I can't remember, even sitting here now, the last time we spoke. I guess that's a good thing. The more distance I put between them and my sanity the better.
I feel for my mother - because she is stuck, but she accepted her lot when they got married. She chose him over her children. Sad but true.
The last thing my parents said to me many years ago was that if either one of them got sick or died, that no one would call me nor tell me where they were buried.
With that I hung up the phone and walked away forever. I pray for them because they say that in order to get rid of resentment and anger we should pray for those who hurt us and hate us. Those prayers said over long periods of time have taught me that I am a better man for what I have learned in sobriety and I grew up.
The day before my 1st wedding anniversary I saw my mother in a dream in my room, she came to tell me that she was going to die and came to say goodbye. That was last November 05'.
I have still not been able to bring myself to the point where I want to call and find out if that really happened or if that was a dream, nonetheless.
Life is not kind to the addicts or alcoholics who still suffers. That's why there are chairs for us to sit in, so that we should suffer no more.
You never know when a "promise" will come to you in the form of freedom from the pain he caused you or is causing you today. So stay in touch with your higher power and the rooms and love the one you are with because right now that is most important - that you don't ever pick up again.
Know that I am with you...
Peace,
Jeremy
It's not crazy to get out of a burning house. Stay out until the fire is out. Sometimes that means you stay out forever. It hurts like hell but it's the least evil (and much healthier) option.
Strength to you for the path you have to walk in this relationship.
You still have love in your heart for a man that has been so bad. That my friend, makes you the man you are (ie a top one). I wish he was there for you.
I don't know where I would be if I did not have my parents support, because I need them a LOT right now. No-one on earth loves me more than those two people.
Now that you mention it I remember reading something about that back in your archives.
My new, unsolicited, non professional, based on nothing but what I just read, advice.
Stay Away from That Guy!
Peace
Dude. I am so with you.
I know what that is to miss someone, miss the parts you really really want to have back... but not be able to "just call" or "just stop by" or even, "just get over it" because of all the other shit that still hasn't gone away.
I also know how much it fucking SUCKS when it's your parents. We're not designed to be broken from our parents like that - and it hurts like hell.
I have zero advice as I'm still trying to figure it out myself. Just know I have loads and loads of empathy - and respect.
Hey, maybe your father and my mother should get together. They might really hit it off.
Wow. What awesome comments.
Can you all come to New York for a little blog party?
:-)
OK, Rich. You win. My family doesn't have nearly the pathology of yours.
By the way, I'm right across the bridge. Name the day. I probably drive right past you on the way home from Sing Sing.
Four minutes? Sounds like he was waiting for something like this to latch on to.
It's okay to keep away from toxic people. Even if you are related to them.
It's things like these (that I read) that make me realize how lucky I have been with my parents. They couldn't offer much materialistically, but they loved and keep loving me and sacrificed to raise me and my brother.
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