In AA, we talk about serenity a lot. There's the serenity prayer, which is said after most meetings... there's lots of discussion about meditation (which is part of the 11th step)... and you'll often hear comments form folks about getting serenity, having their serenity blown, etc.
Well. I'm not ready for serenity just yet.
My sponsor fired me. Nicely. He thinks that our lives had become a bit too intertwined for him to be able to give me good advice. I agree. He's a good guy and I love him, but I was starting to find his behavior and advice a bit hypocritical and not in my best interest.
This had been coming for about six months, I think.
My ex-sponsor recommended a replacement. It was a terrible recommendation. He suggested this guy (who I know and like) because the guy has been sober for a while, and was looking for a sponsee. That's fine, but the guy also has terrible marital troubles, and the one thing I'm looking for in a sponsor is someone who has found a way to make marriage work.
And work well.
I have a new sponsor already. Someone I'd been thinking about asking for while. A guy I thought of as my backup sponsor anyway. So that's good. He's a different kind of AA person. Less of a fundamentalist and more of a balance-is-everything kind of guy.
Which is where I need to be, I think. I'm not going to hit a meeting day, seven days a week. I think if I hit four or so, I'm in fine shape. I think that AA needs to be an important part of my life.. a CRITICAL part of my life, but it the operative word here is, of course, "part."
I started back at my old home group this morning. I hadn't been there in about three months. It was scary and nervewracking and utterly delightful. The other meetings I've gone to have been fine, mostly, but home is where the heart is... and for me, that's The Breakfast Club. 7:30am. Manhattan.
Serenity can wait. I'll take stability.
Love to all. Even you, the angry young man worried about his "stalker."
9 comments:
Good Luck on your sobriety journey and I hope AA works for you.
A lot of things in my life collapsed in December 2000 and my drinking, which was already heavy, plunged out of control to the extent that I only lived to get drunk enough to forget the pain and carryon living because without it I would have convinced myself to commit suicide. After about 15 months matters came to a head and I had an accident through drinking and did something I will be ashamed of for the rest of my life.
This did not stop me until about 4 months later when I was sitting in a pub beside the canal nr Devizes in Wiltshire (UK). I had had about 3 pints and was probably heading towards another night of drinking myself into a stupor when I thought “I don't feel like another drink” and left.
I haven't drunk alcohol since. After a couple of weeks sober my depression counsellor said I should go to AA and I went to a group near where I live.
I couldn't get it to work for me. I went for about 6 months. I never got to the stage of having a sponsor. In a strange way it did make me examine my religious belief. I had a very religious upbringing (Cathedral Chorister in the UK) but had lapsed since to what I thought was agnostic or borderline atheist. The examination of my beliefs exposed that I was an atheist and what’s more had probably never 'had faith' even when younger and singing services 6 times a week. My love was of the music and its beauty - the words had no effect on me apart from being a vehicle to transport the music.
This and I had major and (still) irresolvable anger problems dating back from Dec 2000 What was done to me then destroyed every value I held dear and every value that was me. I now control that anger and suppress it but my greatest fear is of returning to alcohol, losing my inhibitions and doing harm to the target of my anger and that harm would be without any natural or value based constraints.
I do not have god, I do not have faith. I can not find serenity and therefore AA was could not help me as it has helped many others, but I know one thing - a return to alcohol will destroy me.
In many ways I envy that you have faith and you have a chance of serenity and hope it all works out for you.
I do not have a future I can clutch at and exist from day to day but I know one thing - a return to alcohol will destroy me.
With a lack of faith and no hope of serenity it is fear that keeps me sober.
I thought a Sponsor was a permanent kind of thing. Perhaps because none of the people I knew growing up in AA ever made it long enough to evolve beyond one.
Sounds like you have it pretty well figured out. It also sounds like your path to serenity may be though balance. It could also be that although your life is hectic, you already have it. I think maybe serenity means someting different to everybody. You seem to know what it takes for you to remain sober, and although you and Maggie have your bumps, you always underscore how much you love her and your kids. How can that be anything but as close to perfection as life can get?
As you always tell me, Rock on my Friend.
7h30 is early! :P
I've always wanted my dad to get sober. And he didn't. It's nice to read about someone who is successful at being alcohol/drug free and cares about his family. Thank you for your honesty and letting us in your life.
I was told maybe I should go to Al-Anon meetings, for the family of addicts. I never did. It's scary...
-Anonymous-
I had to fire my last sponsor because he was starting to act out and get crazy. At some point I moved from a Sponsor that would keep tabs on me and be my conscience, to the Sober take that "What Ever Works" you know, sometimes we need to take it easy and lighten up so it goes.
I'm not a meeting a day kind of guy any more, I go when I want to and I keep ONE meeting a week ritual. My Home group. Because they keep me grounded, being Beginners and All. I give back, I care and I take care of me at the same time.
Making a marriage work takes time, Commitment to STAYING, knowing when to say enough and how to love unconditionally. (At least for me and my husband) through BiPolar / HIV and all that shit.
Take care of you. Stay true to yourself and ONE specific meeting a week - find a group that is your home base and enjoy your life - sobriety happens when we go back into the world after the meeting.
Meetings are meant to keep us on track, not be the End all Be all of our lives. If we cannot live properly outside the meeting then we go to more meetings until we can.
Transition takes place as long as you know where to go if you get itchy for a drinky! Know that I am here to kick your ass if I see you getting all crazy and shit, cuz you know I will...
Yes, serenity can wait, but will it be there when you need to find it and will you know how to get it at a moments notice when that time comes?
here ya go for the night:
An Alcoholic's Anonymous Prayer..
Almighty God, I humbly pray,
Lead me, guide me through this day.
Cast out my selfishness and sin,
Open my heart to let You in.
Help me now as I blindly stray
Over the pitfalls along the way.
Let me have courage to face each task,
Invest me with loving patience, I ask.
Care for me through each hour today,
Strengthen and guard me now, I pray.
As I forgive, forgive me too,
Needing Your mercy as I do.
Oh, give to me Your loving care,
Never abandon me to despair.
Yesterday's wrongs I would seek to right,
Make me more perfect in Your sight.
Oh, teach me to live the best I can,
Use me to help my fellow man.
Save me from acts of bitter shame, I humbly ask it in Your name.
Sponsors come to us when we need them, and anyone can help another alcoholic out be he male or female. I have no set rules on who I sponsor or why. I am there to lend a hand when need be.
Like a good boyscout, Always prepared.
Hugs
Jeremy
Ginamonster: Amen, sister.
Anonymous: I hear you. Thing is, when I stopped going to AA, I eventually forgot I was an alcoholic, and started drinking again. I can't ever allow that to happen again, and the only was *I* know how to prevent this is to go to AA. It works for me, you know? About December 2000... obviously, I have no idea what you're talking about or what happened. But I *can* assure you of this: it didn't kill you yet. So why let it kill you slowly? I don't believe in "repressed" anger. It's never really repressed. In AA, I've found that no matter how bad, weird, brutal, etc., something may be, it's not unique. Just a thought. On the other hand, I'm TOTALLY lucky to live near NYC, where there's every kind of AA meeting under the sun.
Britt: A sponsor is generally considered a good thing. But it's not a one-person-per-lifetime kind of thing. Also, in AA, there are no real absolutes. There are radically different ways of doing the same thing: staying sober.
Congratulations on your road to sobriety!!!
I think you are so right about finding what works for you to keep you sober. I know very little about the 12 steps, but I would say in my eyes stability should out weigh serenity. Finding stability in quitting my addictions has been the hardest, but for me the most important.
Good Luck in your continued quest!
Rich,
Alas, that I don't know anything about AA. But I do know a stable lifestyle allows you to expand / embrace other things. Can't fly if you don't have your feet on the ground. :)
So, personally. I think you're on a great path!
Since I don't have this experience, nor do I know anyone who goes to AA, I can't say much.
What I'm puzzled a little is: are these sponsors supposed to be motivational to keep ppl away from drinking or to be "live coaches", marriage councelers, shrinks, etc.?
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