It's interesting to me how certain disorders / diseases that affect mental health and require treatment are sitgmatized, while others are slowly being accepted. But acceptance doesn't always equal "more cure," and acceptance doesn't always mean "better treatment."
Me? I'm a total alcoholic. You give me a drink, and it's over. I can't stop. And believe me, brothers and sisters, I have tried. When I drink, I drink too much. When I drink too much, I do things I shouldn't do. And I withdraw. I isolate even among crowds. I can't look people in the eyes. When I was at the worst stages of my drinking, it physically hurt me to make eye contact.
If you met me now, you'd know how utterly antithetical to my personality that is.
But hey: Alcoholism is a somewhat accepted and largely understood illness and, at least here in NYC, you won't get TOO many weird looks if people find out that you're a drunk-who-doesn't-drink... although I'm generally a fan of anonymity.
Other illnesses are not only unaccepted, but they're less straightforward. At least with alcoholism, others can plainly see the drinking, and it's easy to explain as along the lines of allergy. (How it affects the spiritual and emotional side of things is another story, but that's why people are baffled by AA, sometimes.)
With mental illness, there's a LOT of gray area. And sometimes people are too quick to treat the edges of normal as something wrong... which can rebound to cause people to NOT treat people who need it. It's a really undefined, lots-of-room-to-fuck-up situation. And I have no solution.
It's tough, man. I'm so glad I have alcoholism, and not schizophrenia, BPD, or something else. I'm glad that I have a disease that can be permanently arrested. And that's clearly defined.
Well. I think I'm afraid to say what I want to say, because I don't want to be labeled as some leftist freak. But you know what? It's true: everyone needs therapy.
No. Let me rephrase. Everyone needs a sponsor.
Is it possible to have an AA-like experience/group/relationship without first being decimated by addiction or illness? Honestly, I don't know. Desperation and powerlessness lead to a strange acceptance of... well... of magic.
Yup. Magic. You can call it God if you want... and I often do as well... but AA is magic.
All this to say that I don't know WHAT kind of help, support, therapy, etc., could have helped that kid before he turned so completely fucking deranged, before he killed so many people. But if he had a sponsor, like many AAs have a sponsor... he would have had someone in his life who, without judgment, could say:
Your thoughts are not unique.And maybe that would have made all the difference.
People have been where you are now.
We will love you until you can love yourself.
Love to all. Even you, Cho. My god.
17 comments:
Amen brother.
Wow! You are an amazing writer. I got chills when I read the last part. You make me want to reach out more to other people and be there for my friends and family.
This is why I keep coming back to your blog. Thanks!
Thanks, Rich.
Well put. No one can make it completely on their own.
You are a good man, with great thoughts Rich.
Excellent post, amigo... I could really relate. It seems one half of my extended family is alcoholic. The other half has one variety or another of those "gray area" illnesses... including depression, schizophrenia, etc.... And it IS tough. The stigma is there. Its taken me 20 years to even get SEMI-comfortable telling people that I've been on medication for 21 years for clinical depression.
Thank you for so eloquently stating what I've also thought but had a hard time expressing.
Leftist freak . . .
You got a sponsor because you wanted to get clean (or someone else wanted you to). The effect of alcohol on you and your life had become clear to you or to others. The problem with mental illness is that many people have no idea that they aren't the ONLY person who feels as they do. They've no reason to seek therapy, because they've no reason to think anyone else would understand. It was that way with me, before I found the blogosphere and realized that I wasn't alone in being a freak. Had I not done this or that random thing, I'd have never started a blog, never gotten the info I got, and I'd still be wandering around thinking I was alone.
I think that's the nature of the thing. Alcohol lends itself best (at least at the beginning) to being around lots of people, to "fitting in" to being Mr. happy go lucky. You can abuse it, but you can also use it normally.
Whereas mental illness naturally leads one to being alone, because you may be depressed, because you may think you are alone, because you've lost the skills to be with other people in a normal way.
Alcohol leads one to hang out with bunches of people to have fun, and even when it's abused you then hang around bunches of people to help each other get clean. With mental illness you start alone and then you meet with a single therapist. I don't know. Seems to me that the two paths don't ever meet. There are profound differences between them. Sorry to fill up your comments page, but you gave me a lot of food for thought.
Anne: Thanks for the comment.
I respectfully but strongly disagree with a great deal of what you just said. (Not all, though!)
Alcohol may be a social lubricant, but alcoholISM very often lends itself to isolation. In fact, alcoholism is often misdiagnosed as depression, because of the similarities. The difference is that if you treat the alcoholism, the depression lefts. Real depression doesn't just go away when the person stops a certain kind of intake.
But most importantly: an alcoholic CANNOT use alcohol normally. That's an absolute truth. (Or is it an Absolut truth?)
Also, I didn't just "get a sponsor and get clean." There were years and years and years of struggle, isolation, depression, and ickiness. Magic happened later.
I think you are confusing someone who occasionally drinks too much, or even who is a heavy drinker, with Alcoholism.
Your point about isolation, though, I agree with. And that's my point. If there were some way that everybody would have other-person-based touchstones, people would be better off. I just don't know how to make that happen.
Thanks again for writing, Anne. I hope you don't mind my disagreeing with you.
Unfortunately, you can't look at someone and know that they are mentally ill. There is no coughing or sores. It is easy to dimiss as drama or overreaction.
Happily, more people are opening up about thier illnesses, and our society is learning that mental illness IS a physical ailment and can be treated.
Our minds and bodies are connected.
My wife and I are both in the program and I have been saying for years that many "normal" people need a program like AA to help them. A sponsre would be perfect for just about everyone.
Don't drink, go to a meeting, and ask for help...
Easy does it, but do it!!
What type of Media business?? Not replication??
Greg t
gtboat@yahoo.com
Such a good post, Rich.
I read a great letter in the Times today from someone who said, why can't we have yearly MENTAL health checks? We take our kids in every year to get their fricking TEETH checked, shouldn't we get their MINDS checked? And if everybody did it, there'd be no stigma, at least for the check up.
I'm just so appalled that there is such a lack of a support system in our society that this obviously psycho person could fall through the cracks.
As a parent, OMG, I would want to know if my child was suffering so much, needed help so desperately.
Excellent post.
It sounds like some people tried to help this kid- whoever called VT mental health in late 2005 to express concern that he may be suicidal, for one.
You are an example of how effective AA can be when one "works the program", but I don't know if we can apply that here...
This is sad and confusing. Sorry I can't be more profound.
Rich, sorry to have made it seem like I belittled your struggle. I was just trying to shorten the comment spam. Nor did I know your story so I had no way to express my thought but to phrase it as I did. Sorry. You (eventually, painfully) saw your problem and sought help for it. I did not mean to suggest that alcoholics can use alcohol normally, only that the vast majority of people can. I have never even picked up a single drink. My father was a drunk and so I don't want to even test myself in that area. You, (ie, some people) can use it normally and you (ie, some other people) can abuse it. Sorry if my poor attempt at writing confused things. And it's why I quantified my statement about alcohol being a social activity with "(at least at the beginning)"
I think I can qualify as knowing what an alcoholic is, having lived with one for the first 20 years of my life :> Sorry things got confused. And no, I don't mind you disagreeing with me, as long as I understand what you are disagreeing with. :)
As for the solution, I don't know that there is one, but maybe that's just me being pessimistic again. I think time might have something to do with it, though. Time and therapy and lots of love.
Hmm...how very pat of me. Well shit.
Everyone needs a sponsor...
AMEN.
My church calls them Accountability Partners.
Simply put, it's pretty much an outside edit filter - for anything and everyting you choose to share.
You just have to make that CHOICE.
Weird. I posted a comment yesterday, but it didn't show up.
Just wanted to say "excellent post, my friend." You really get to the heart of this.
I agree with both The Girl and Jeremy. People did try to reach this kid. His roommate talked to people because he was worried he was suicidal. He went to a counselor. What needed to happen was for someone to talk to his parents. But by all accounts even his sister had expressed concern for him, but somehow, thanks to the system, he never got the right kind of help.
Such a shame...
He did every thing except hold up a sign stating the time and place he would kill. EVERY red flag was there. Who dropped the ball? SOMEONE is accountable. Sure, he is, somewhat, but once it's out of someone's hands to cure themselves, it's time for some intervention.
and THIS is why I don't believe in god any more.
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