Girl friends.

This post is related, but not a response, to this one over at Tiny Coconut.

Do I want to have sex with every female friend of mine? Is it possible not to want to have sex with every female friend of mine? Is that even a problem?

Answered in order: Yes. No. Maybe.

Here’s the backstory. I’ve been reading, digging, and commenting on Tiny Coconut for a pretty long time. It’s a smart, honest, and introspective. The author (TC) and I have become friends in that weird way that consistent cross-commenting bloggers do. She lives across the country from me. (On the lesser coast, I might add.)

We have never, ever flirted.

Turns out, TC was coming to NYC. So I suggested we meet for coffee. I mean, it would probably be my only opportunity to actually meet this lady who I’ve come to like. I can honestly say that I had no ulterior motive: I just wanted to shoot the shit for an hour and see what she was like. We made plans to meet last Friday.

The evening before, I decided that in all good conscience, I should get permission from Maggie to have coffee with TC…. and she promptly said “No way.” I was momentarily miffed until she said “How would you feel if I said I was going to lunch with some strange guy I met on the Internet.”

Hypocrite, me.

Here’s the craziness: I’ve had lunch with female friends upon whom I’ve had major crushes. I don’t know if it was that I was actually hiding something in those cases (albeit something weightless and never acted-upon) or that these were local folks that I already knew from AA or work with whom plans were made spontaneously… I’d like to think it was the latter, but I suspect there’s a healthy dose of the former. But as my sponsor said, the great thing about using certain AA women to learn to develop healthy cross-gender friendships is that you can’t fool around with them:

The “you’re busted” reaction would be instant, complete, and overwhelming.

I was talking about the TC thing with my sponsor, and when I told him my motives were pure, he said, “You are SO completely full of shit.” And I immediately realized that he was right. Fuck.

What he pointed out was this: if something were to click… and I don’t mean something adulterous… but if TC had a great laugh, a lovely smile, or a sense of humor that hit me the right way… would I groove on it? Would I sit there, basking in the subtle glow of tickled libido and innocent flirtation? And if so, should I be there?

The answer of course, is whatever Maggie says it is.

Which brings us to a comment TC made in her post:

I know there's nothing untoward going on here, unless forging a new friendship with a man is by definition untoward.

I think the answer here is that there’s always something a little teeny bit untoward going on. And under most circumstances, there’s nothing wrong with that. But if I’m in a relationship where security and equality matters, I have to respect my partner’s opinion.

I will say this: When Maggie said no to TC, I said, “Okay, but I’m keeping FemaleFriend1 and FemaleFriend2.” And I am. And since I am, and since I’m not going to be sleeping with either of them, I just might not tell Maggie every single time I have coffee or lunch with one of ‘em. Maggie knows about them, knows I’m friends with them, so does reporting in do any good? But even writing that, I feel like a giant-ass hypocrite.

Ugh. I’m done. This is the most inconclusive post I’ve ever written.

Love to all. Even you, the dude who almost bit off the Monsignor's hand at Communion.