Small business ownership is fun!

So, my accounting person redflags a client who has a history of slow payment. He doesn’t owe us a huge amount, but it’s passing 60 days. When she called the client, he said that he would pay us in “a week or two.”

So I called him.

I wasn’t mad. I just wanted to make sure we were getting paid. I said “Hi, it’s Rich from [My Company].” He said “Yeah?” I said “I was wondering why it’s going to take another couple of weeks for us to get paid, and to let you know that we have to invoke interest charges if the invoice passes 60 days.”

He went nuts… he starts cursing me out… he goes on a tirade about how the project he was hiring us for didn’t happen in the end (an irrelevant point)… he went on for a pretty long while, actually. I think he used different iterations of “fuck” about 10 times. And then says that because I called him about the invoice, he’s not going to pay it at all. It was so over the top and unexpected that I said: “Hey, you realize that this is Rich from [My Company], right?” He did. I thought that maybe he was confusing us with someone else.

Now: about twice a year, something happens that makes me lose it with a client. The last time was about 8 months ago, when, after hearing a completely illogical reason for not paying us, I lost my temper and said: “Excuse me, are you a fucking idiot?”

This time, I did better. I was flustered. I was mad. But instead of getting angry and yelling, it went like this:

Me: “How old are you?”
Him: “What?!”
Me: Are you over 50?
Him: No!
Me: Are you over 40?
Him: Yes.
Me: So you’ll tell me the decade, but not the year? Why is that?
Him: Are you out of your fucking mind?

I was building up to saying: “Clearly, you’re someone who has suddenly realized that he’s getting old, but hasn’t accomplished anything. And you’re taking it out on me.”

• But he said: “Sue me for the money, okay?”
• And I said: “Sure. Love you!”

And he hung up.

I get off the phone, and pull out a collections tactic I’ve only used twice… and it only works on people who I know desire direct conflict.

I wrote an email that appeared to be addressed to a third party. It was in a casual, letter-to-a-friend style, and basically said “Hey, man, you were right. This dude is trying to screw us. I have to head down to small claims court next week, but I was going anyway because we have to file against [fictional company]. But I HATE small claims. ugh. Why does this guy have to be that way. Bleah.”

And I sent it to HIM. By “mistake.”

Five minutes later, I had an email back saying that I sucked, etc., but that he would pay me this Friday. Clearly, his fear of ¬being “exposed,” however irrational, had come into play. Sometimes, being raised by a Borderline has it’s benefits.

And that’s my story.

Love to all. Even you, Mr. Spitter Guy.