At first, I got a bit annoyed, because it's no fun to play with someone when they're acting all bummed out. But I self-intervened and instead asked him what the scoop was...
...and lo and behold, he talked.
My 10-year-old boy is so unbelievably self-aware that he actually said: Dad, I think because I don't react when I get picked on so much in school I get upset by things that normally wouldn't bother me at home.
So we talked about the kids who make fun of him. The kids who constantly use the f-bomb. Who make fun of him because we don't let him watch TV-MA or most TV-14 shows. More importantly, HE talked about it, and how it made him feel.
It's hard for me to talk to him about this stuff, because I want SO much to:
- Give him advice, which he doesn't want.
- Go and beat the crap out of the boy's fathers with a fucking bat, which would be setting a bad example and, um, illegal.
Now: I wouldn't say this to most kids... including my other two. Because they'd consider it a license to do it. But my boy doesn't. He just REALLY needs to know that we're there for him, and that we'll support him. Maggie has given him her own version of this speech.
We're meeting with all of his teachers in a little over a week to talk about how things are going for him, socially and academically. I'm interested to see their persepctive.
This parenting thing can be hard... but what I have to remember is that it's not as hard as being a kid.
Love to all. Even you, the parent who tried to kick an oncoming sled.
9 comments:
Sounds to me like you're kicking ass yourself on this parenting thing. To listen to your kid and figure out a way, in the moment, of letting him know he's heard and supported and not giving him "fixes" is pretty damn impressive.
Especially not trying to give him "fixes." As a gender outsider here it's interesting to note that you yourself are pretty self-aware of your natural urge to fix it for him but then do something different because of what your son needs.
Gotta think that helps with Maggie too. I'm just saying.
How ironic. I am going through the EXACT same thing with my 12-year old son. He has been coming home depressed and he told me some of the boys at school make fun of him. He says it happens on a daily basis. My kid rates his good day a day when he doesn't get called any names in front of other kids. It's usually a name in passing or a slight push. It is so infuriating for me. I am really good at one line comebacks, and I have tried coaching my kid into choosing his words. He just shrugs the other kids off. He is such a strong kid for doing that. Remember how hard middle school was? It can be a social disaster, even on into high school. If the kids only realized it doesn't matter who you were in high school once you get older. The present time is what is reality for them now. Great job on the talk. Love to you and your family.
Wow! That is amazing that your son is so confident to talk about what is going on as oppossed to reacting. 3 gold stars for you too. It is so hard to take a deep breath and not react when your kids say that someone else is being mean. It's hard today too because they need to stand up for themselves but then risk getting in trouble.
I for one was a kick em in the balls or shin type of girl. No one messed with me more than once and I was a little thing. Not to mention if that didn't work my verbal assault usually sent them running. I probably would have been kicked out of school now a days. Where to find the balance for my kid - hmmmm.
Dude- SCORE! That he would tell you that is awesome. My son is much the same. I told him the same thing when he was having trouble with others at school. He is the same type of kid- it is not license to kick ass, but a fall back position if necessary.
He sounds like a good kid. Good parenting makes that possible.
My littlest sister is 9, and she's said when she has a bad day at school all the upsets build up and she has no more room in her head when she gets home to let things roll off her back anymore.
I am the same and my shrink has said I need to keep reminding myself to do an internal re-set on my tolerance. I tried to teach my sister that but she didn't really get it.
Your son should kick those kids in the balls off school property.
Your son is very insightful and he is right. Often when a child overreacts at home or is moody or sullen, it is because he is expressing the feelings he can't afford to show at school or during after school sports. Your son shows these feelings at home because he feels safe with you.
My little sister said something similar, but in reverse... She said she gets so miserable at home sometimes that she just can't face school, so she skips out. 100% genuine.
It really is hard being a kid, but yours are lucky they have you.
Man! I know it's hard having a little baby, even a toddler, but it's this stuff that scares the crap out of me. I really admire your grace in this matter. I so hope that I can keep my sh*t together when it comes to my girl. Don't even ask me about my hubs. Seriously, good job!
Sounds like you've got a great kid there Rich. That he confided in you, speaks volumes about you and Maggie as parents.
And thank you for this:
"This parenting thing can be hard... but what I have to remember is that it's not as hard as being a kid."
That's one I'm going to remember for the years ahead with my two.
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