I slept in 20-minute spurts last night. Got out of bed at 4:00am. Showered. Had a cup of coffee. Decided to catch the 5:00am train. Got in my car.
Dead battery. Maggie accidentally left the key in it, and in the on position.
Ok. I'll take the 5:25. I get my shit together and walk the two miles to train station. I arrive 30 fucking SECONDS too late.
Now I'm in the station, waiting for the 5:45. I feel like crying. I know it's about my parents, not the train.
My sponsor says it's time to let go. I've done all I can do, and it's time to move on with the rest of my life. I think he's right, but I just can't BELIEVE they'd abandon my sons and daughter like this. Choosing anger over love, sickness over family...
...I want to break windows. I want to scream. I want to fucking understand this.
I've got nothing else right now. I'm a wreck.
Love to all.
15 comments:
Oof. The first Monday of DST is always tough, but not THAT tough.
I would say it's easy for your sponsor to say, but I'm sure he has his crosses to bear as well. He may be right, but hope springs eternal, even in those of us with the most doubt.
Hope the day gets better. It's not likely to get worse, but I hate to jinx it...
Can we ever understand what is really truly unfathomable? It is beyond understanding why they are behaving like this.
I can feel your pain from here.
And the fucking DST doesn't help.
Hang on.
I used to break old china sets that I bought at Goodwill. Maybe breaking something thats not city owned will make you feel better, a little. Hope it gets better soon.
Vinny: I didn't mean to imply that my sponsor was being flippant. He's definitely speaking from the heart. And hey: write me in you want to have lunch... rich at championable.com
NFH: Move to NYC and be my friend. Now. Above board. Nothing icky implied.
Evilynmo: That's the greatest idea I have ever heard. That ROCKS.
Rich, I feel for you. You can only control your own emotions and reactions, not those of others.
It is a shame your children, innocent of any wrong, must suffer. But as a parent, you can only do what is best for them and try and give them the best life.
You're doing well mate. Keep it up
some people have a warped sense of who's in the right, who's the aggressor, who's stubborn, etc. i have a few in my family that are damn near impossible to deal with after years of trying. hope it gets better for you.
in my case, sometimes you have to let go and do the best tying up the loose ends. hope it doesn't have to go that far for you.
Sigh. I wish I knew what to say. I also wish I could cure sick parents. (who speaks to their children that way? geez) It's amazing what a sick mind will justify. Here is what my sister and I tell each other when we start getting sad about Daddy...
"There is nothing more we can do. This is his choice. Yes it's sad that he may never know his grandchildren. He has to get healthy. He doesn't think he is sick. We have each other. And that's all we really need."
Maybe it doesn't make you feel better, but it helps us. Because truly, someone elses mental illness is nothing you can change or help. You can only keep an open mind and heart for the possibility that he will get better.
Hold in there brother. Things will get better. They always do.
/I had the worst sleep of my life last night also.
I am so sorry. So, so sorry.
I was there with my mom for so long. I finally just gave in and let go of my anger. For a long, long time there was just a big empty hole in my heart. Then, I had my kids and they are filling up that space. It gets smaller every time I check on it.
I hope the rest of the day brings you peace. Try to find some quiet time and listen to what God might be trying to say to you about all of this.
You and your parents are in my prayers.
I think the only reasonable option for you right now is to pray for your parents. I think that will everyone the most good. Through praying those who have hurt you so badly, you will learn how to truly forgive them and have peace in your life, as well as do your part to help them seek healing. If you begin to lose hope and get discouraged, think of how long St. Monica prayed for Augustine before he gave up his debauched life and heretical beliefs to return to the Church. I'm sure it wasn't easy for her to be hopeful, but the fruits of her patience and fortitude were nothing short of miraculous. Think of it - the prayers of one distraught mother for her son made saints of both of them.
I don't know what it feels like to be going through what you are going through.
I am deeply saddened by your pain and feel the anger that comes with it. PLease know you are in my thoughts and in my prayers.
Dude,
That's some powerful shit you've got going on. Hang in there, be strong, understand that behind it all is a reason that it's gone down this way, love and enjoy every second with your kids and know that your love more than makes up for any negativity from your parents.
Much positive energy to you from my neck of the woods...take care man!
I posted yesterday but it didn't show up. I am so sorry for everything you are going through. I wish the best for you. I hope you can find peace with or without your parents giving you what you need.
don't know what you've done in the past but now you did the right thing. even IF you did something wrong, they're the parents, they should be able to forgive and try to make things work. fuck, isn't it what parents do, forgive their kids and try to love them?
i better call my parents now and tell them how much i appreciate what they've done for me and how much i love/miss them!
Rich,
I haen't visited in quite a while. I'm really sorry to hear about the issues with your parents. My wife and I had to go thru a similar ordeal over the past 18 months with her mother who basically went crazy, had an affair, divirced her dad, ripped the family apart and then expected us all to treat her like nothing had changed. Sounds like your situation is way worse.
For what it's worth you have my good wishes and my prayers. Take care.
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