By you, I mean NFH, Britt, and Slyght.
By you, I mean GinaMonster, TC, and Obliquity. Jeremiah. Aesthetic & Callisto.
By you, I mean Tracy Lynn, Shqipo, TheMom, Eric, Lisa, Po, Dawn, 2Vamp, Vinny, AbbaGirl, Jen (aka EvilynMo), ITS, Steven, Funky, Christelle, Zube, Suburban Turmoil, Amy, Kelli, and the various anonymous folks out there. And anyone I forgot.
This is a love letter. I repeat. This is a love letter.
My blog has been both honest and dishonest. I've never lied on this blog, but I've omitted things because I didn't trust that it would be private. And I've been raised to believe that if I expose, and therefore admit to, the "bad," no one will believe that I am any good.
The truth: my psychology is both supremely confident and selectively fragile.
Change is afoot. Lots of change. Psychological, spiritual, emotional. But change isn't instant, and certain parts of my personality can't keep up with the others.
Like: I've changed certain behaviors for the better. But if that change isn't responded to in the way I think is appropriate, I lose my shit completely.
My fear is that I'm too late. Too late to save my company with more hard work. Too late to be a better person because I'm out of balance. I fear that these psychic changes are coming too late, and in the wrong order, for me to handle it.
But this is a love letter.
You see, I don't trust people. I don't know how I COULD, with how I was raised. But after 3.6 years sober and 4 years of separation from my parents, there are glimmers. Little by slow. And that scares the shit out of me. It's the realization that I am *beginning* to trust people that makes me realize what fragile ground I'm really on.
But here's the thing: collectively, I trust you.
And I love you for it.
That's all for now. Rock on.
Love to all. Even you.
14 comments:
Rich,
We are so separated at birth. And/or are living in parallel universes.
The trust thing. Yeah.
Scary shit. And, given my day today, I have a long way to go before I could give any advice (apparently I don't even trust myself.)
Maybe it's good to know your not the first, last or only one on this thrill ride of risking to trust? And the too late thing? It's never too late.
Love ya back.
Rich,
I am right there with NFH. You aren't the first, last, or only one on the thrill ride. You are, however, thrust on the ride with many of us - your friends. And perhaps some enemies.
The good thing about the ride is that it does come to an end. The bad thing about the ride is that it can be scary. You may have to ride more than once, but you should know we are all there with you, holding on for dear life.
Hang in there, friend. We are all in there with you.
Love right back at ya!
NFH and abbagirl said it perfectly... So (again) I'll add a big ditto.
As scary as it is, my friend, LOTS of us bought tickets for this thrill ride, and like it or not, its a freakin "E" ticket... no refunds, either...
So hang on tight, keep trusting those you feel comfortable trusting, and never forget that you might feel all alone on same scary crazy-ass ride, but if you open your eyes for just a moment and look around, you'll see someone just as scared buckled into the seat next to you...
And I've officially run that metaphor into the fucking ground... lol...
Rock on, brother. Cuz ya can.
I found your blog in a roundabout manner, after having commented to your comments on a dear friend's blog. I lurked here, reading, and then started posting comments. I DO NOT comment on ANYONE else's blog other than that of our mutual friend.
There is a reason I started posting comments. Your openness (okay, so you're not laying out every bit of yourself--who does??), your humanity, your love for others, and yes, your trust.
It's impossible not to reciprocate.
Wishing you calmer seas.
We love you, too.
Even when you call us Anonymous...
"We" (meaning I) also tend to edit, re-edit, omit...and sometimes even lose our minds in fits of rage.
It is NEVER too late. Even when it feels that way.
It's all good, my friend.
Po, NFH, abbagirl...everyone who commented above...they're all right.
You're never alone. We're all in this thing together it seems. And just so you know, it's never too late. Never.
I can't speak for everyone, but I don't think you're being dishonest by not sharing every single thing. there's a lot I hold back just because it's not mine alone to share. I don't necessarily feel dishonest; just kind of frustrated that there are things I can't talk about or choose not to because it could hurt others.
Just keep doing your best and try to put as much as you can in God's hands. Not to get all weird and preachy, but ya know, sometimes it's good to ask for help.
And for what it's worth, we think you rock, too.
Hi. I'm various anonymous. I've been reading your blog for awhile. You're eloquent and honest and brave. I don't think anyone expects *everything.* No worries. Hang in there. Love the blog. You make a difference.
trust is hard to come by, and strangely enough, you are coming to find some on the internets. good on ya, we all need a shoulder/ear/random body part to lean on/listen to us/do strange party tricks with. good on ya.
i KNEW this internet thing would make it big someday
"I love when you talk to me by accident."
xx
Change and Trust. Talk about a combination that WILL scare the shit out of anyone. The brain and the heart are petrified of change and trust....but the Ride (Life) makes us take the chance.
From the bit we've shared, I think it's safe to say I had trust issues for a long while. But, through trial and circumstance I learned that sooner or later you have to trust--or the ride is very lonely. (I could go on and on...you know.)
The thing is mister that you don't even realize how much trust and love you are sharing with us through your words.
You're brave and I'd trust you with my life.
Just remember, we all lose our shit from time to time (and then re-lose it). We fear the flux and wonder just where this damned ride is going to come to a stop--and we all have our "crunchberries" and sex (well not me, but that's a whole other issue).
So, Dude, before I break your comment box--can I just say I love you. (And I swear, most of that love is in a platonic, non-homo kind of way. But, I know you can deal with that fact.)
:-) A.
There are few people I call "friend". Of those, there are few who I hope to hear from each day. Of those, there are few who have something interesting to share each day.
But when I open my feed reader, I am pleased when I find a bolded Championable link, and dejected when it's just plain text.
In some backhanded, geeky way, that was my attempt to share my man-love with you.
I love the rest of you too! Even you.
I think you're a sick and twisted individual. And that's why I love you like I do.
Thank you Rich. I'm honored to have your trust and net-friendship.
I'm late, but no less sincere when I say, We love you too. And we trust you to tell us what you need to tell us, and no more. And we know that you are a person like the rest of us--good at heart, with many fucked-up bits around it. That is WHY we love you. Because you remind us of us.
Hang in there, dude. It gets better--and then worse, and then better again, and then worse...
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